I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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