I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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