I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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