I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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