i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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