he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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