I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
