That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
