my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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