Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
