More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
