the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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