Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize