Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Someone came in the potted fern
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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