i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
