I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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