I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
