She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
