the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
