Are we in a gay sports bar?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
