Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just threw up on my dentist
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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