I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
