I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
