My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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