Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
