How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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