where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
