Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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