watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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