just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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