What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
