dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize