I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
