she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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