I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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