So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
