one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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