ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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