My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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