Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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