if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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