Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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