I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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