Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
