My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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