cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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