My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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