Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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