I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
