Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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