dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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