I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
