I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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