We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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