FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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