haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
