She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My penis needs a shock collar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize