Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
