theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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