3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
