I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
