if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
